Dont Want You to Go
by dawneh
Summary: Another in my series of episode rewrites  after confessing his love JP and Craig need to talk... alone!


John Paul hadn't meant to say what he said that night. He hadn't meant to blurt out his feelings to the very last person he ever wanted to know about them. And he certainly hadn't meant to tell his best friend that he was in love with him.

But that is exactly what John Paul McQueen had done at his girlfriend's birthday party. The truth was out and there was no taking back what he had said.

In the space of a few minutes he had seen his world crumble before his eyes, seen his hopes and dreams shattered, with one dark look from Craig Dean's eyes John Paul knew that he had ruined everything.

Getting Craig to agree to talk to him at school that morning had been a trial. The gorgeous dark haired man had barely been able to look at his one-time best friend but finally, and reluctantly, he had followed John Paul into a deserted art room.

"We can talk in here," John Paul said leading the way into the empty room.

Craig sighed as he closed the door. "I don't wanna do this," he objected

John Paul could feel Craig's friendship slipping further and further from him. "Craig, it'll only take a second…" the pleading in his voice was evident. 

"Don't you get it?" Craig snarled, "I am not interested alright, you're wasting your time." He couldn't believe the things John Paul had said to him only a couple of days earlier, couldn't believe that John Paul – his FRIEND – had been hiding these feelings for who knew how long.

John Paul's shoulders fell under the weight of Craig's glare. "I understand that you're angry." 

"Thanks!" The sarcasm dripped from Craig's voice. 

"Don't you think I'm angry with myself for what I said?" 

"I don't care how you feel!" Even as he said the words Craig knew he was lying. "You don't go around saying things like that."

John Paul slumped onto an empty chair in defeat. "Yeah, I know what I said was wrong, alright, but I felt..." John Paul paused, what he felt was the problem in the first place, "we're friends aren't we?" 

"We're not." Craig's words tore across John Paul's chest and he felt certain that they must have left a gaping wound.

"OK," John Paul replied in a pained voice.

"We're not," Craig repeated with determination. 

The tears began to flow from John Paul's eyes and he made no attempt to stop them. "Yeah, okay. If that's your decision, I accept it because I know I've ruined us as mates." John Paul's voice shook with heavy sobs and Craig turned away, unable to watch, unable to look at the man he had considered a friend. "Craig, have you got any idea how bad I feel about myself right now? Eh? I mean I hate myself for what I've done! I'm disgusted." John Paul's voice broke as he spoke. He was disgusted, he was disgusting and Craig was right to turn his back on him, just like everyone would once they found out. "But that's it, alright? From now on, I'll stay out of your life."

John Paul took a deep resolved breath and walked towards the door. 

"What?" Craig asked in confusion.

"Yeah. I'll stay away from you, I'll stay away from everyone, alright, I'm leaving!" John Paul knew without Craig's friendship he had nothing worth staying in Hollyoaks for, in truth without Craig he had nothing worth living for.

Craig leant firmly against the door, looking closely at his friend for the first time since that night. "So, you're just going to take the coward's way out?" he accused.

John-Paul had had enough. He felt defeated, drained and he no longer had the strength to fight. "Get your hand off the door, Craig." 

"What am I going to tell people when they ask why we're not talking?" 

"They won't even care, I won't be here!" Why would anyone care about John Paul McQueen? No one before Craig ever had. John Paul pulled at the door handle in frustration but Craig refused to move. 

"Get away..." John Paul said quietly. 

"I don't want you to go!" Craig banged his hand against the door, "I don't want you to go! I still want you as a mate."

Walking away from the door Craig covered his face with his hands, when had life got this complicated? 

"Are you serious?" John Paul asked in a hopeful whisper. 

"Yeah." Craig said equally quietly, "You're the best mate I've ever had. And that's the way I want it to stay."

John Paul felt a new hope rising in his chest. Craig didn't hate him, wasn't disgusted by him and maybe, just maybe, everything could go back to the way they had been before and what he said didn't need to be the end of things.

"Mates…" John Paul repeated with a smile.

"Yeah, best mates," Craig agreed holding out his hand and taking in the tear stained face of the man before him. John Paul's eyes sparkled with the brightest shade of blue Craig had ever known, he couldn't remember ever noticing how blue they were before.

John Paul took the offered hand tentatively. Craig's skin was cool and smooth and John Paul wasn't sure which one of them was trembling.

Craig's fingers curled around John Paul's hand tightly. He couldn't lose his friend, no matter what. And all that other stuff, all that nonsense about love, they could forget that and move on. Mates. Best mates. That was all that mattered.

"Craig…" John Paul's voice shook as he said the name that he had said a million times before but this time saying it felt different and he didn't know why. He didn't know if it was the way Craig was still holding his hand, or if it was the way Craig's eyes were burning into him, making him feel alive and afraid at the same time, or it could have been the way Craig's eyes kept flicking to John Paul's mouth as they stood in the silence of the noisy school.

"John Paul…" Craig didn't know why his heart was racing so fast, or why he couldn't let go of John Paul's hand, or even why he couldn't seem to tear his eyes from John Paul's lips.

"Craig…" John Paul took a step forward.

"John Paul…" Craig inched towards his friend.

Mirroring each others steps again the two men were brought face to face, their breaths hot against each other and their hands still tightly clasped together.

"Mates," Craig breathed.

"Best mates," John Paul whispered.

As the hustle of the school continued in the corridor outside two best friends standing in an empty classroom felt their lips meet. Neither man could recall moving but still their mouths became joined together and, still without either of them realising they had stirred, arms slipped around waists and bodies were pulled into a fierce embrace as the kiss John Paul had dreamed of, the kiss Craig had never imagined, changed their lives and changed their worlds.

---

With a stumble the two friends fell back from their kiss. Flushed and confused they looked at each other in a silence that seemed to deafen them both as they searched for words to express what they were feeling.

"I don't know what…" Craig blurted out.

"No… no I don't…" John Paul replied.

"That shouldn't have…"

"No… of course…"

"I didn't mean to…"

"It's OK… I get it…"

Craig rubbed his hands over his face and when he looked up again John Paul had moved closer.

"Really… it's OK…" John Paul repeated lifting his hand to stroke Craig's arm.

The touch seemed to burn Craig's skin, even through his clothing, but it was a pleasant burn and not one he was in any hurry to stop.

"We should probably go," Craig said uneasily.

"If that's what you want," John Paul said.

Fourty eight hours ago John Paul had said something that he thought had ruined everything. But now, fourty eight hours later, everything seemed to have changed.

Fourty eight hours ago Craig had heard something that he thought had ruined everything. But now, fourty eight hours later, everything seemed to have changed.

John Paul's hand was still stroking softly over Craig's arm as the older man struggled with the feelings charging through him. He couldn't understand what had made him kiss John Paul like that, why he had even wanted to, IF he even wanted to.

He had a girlfriend, Craig reasoned to himself, a beautiful girlfriend that he loved. He loved her smile and her laugh and her long dark hair that felt so silky to the touch and her gorgeous eyes that were… Craig's memory seemed to stumble in his head… were Sarah's eyes brown… were they green? The only thing he was certain of was that they weren't blue. John Paul's eyes were blue, that perfect shade of blue as they looked at him, like they were looking at him at that moment, those perfect eyes that were more beautiful than any Craig had ever seen before.

"If that's what you want…" John Paul had said, but it wasn't what he had meant. In the space of a few minutes he had felt a strange shift of power. When they had entered the art room Craig had been the one in control, had been the one who was certain about everything and John Paul had been lost and confused. But now John Paul was the one who was certain, certain about his love and certain, almost certain, that it wasn't just one sided.

That morning the thought of kissing Craig had been nothing but an unobtainable dream and now it was a wonderful recent memory.

"We really should go," Craig said again. He wished John Paul would stop looking at him like that and stop touching him like that. He hoped that John Paul would never stop looking at him like that or stop touching him like that. "It'll be time for our next class soon…"

"Yeah, OK," John Paul agreed quietly, "We can go… if that's what you want."

Craig swallowed hard as he realised he didn't know what he wanted. He wanted his normal life back, the life he had had last week, the life where he had a girlfriend and a best mate and everything was perfect. But he also wanted to kiss John Paul again, he wanted to hold him and touch him and not let this feeling go.

"John Paul…" Craig's voice trembled as John Paul's hand came to rest on his shoulder and then slipped to his neck, his fingers stroking softly at Craig skin making him shiver pleasurably. "John Paul don't…"

John Paul's eyes seemed to burn Craig as much as his touch was doing, seeing into him and hearing the lies behind his protestation.

John Paul stepped closer until Craig could feel the heat from the man's skin, smell the scent of his aftershave mingled with soap and skin, creating a unique intoxicating scent.

"John Paul don't…" Craig repeated as the hand at his neck started to pull him slowly forward, "Don't… please don't… god don't stop…"

John Paul's lips were hot and soft as they met Craig's. Kissing him gently like feathers brushing across his lips, promising him more but only if he wanted it. Craig leant into the kiss, claiming more from John Paul, demanding more, wanting more until his arms were pulling the blonde man hard against him, their tongues meeting in a battle that neither wanted to win.

Craig heard himself moan into the heat of John Paul's kiss. It had never felt like this before, not with Sarah, not with anyone. Was this what he had been missing all this time, was this what he needed, was this who he was? Craig brushed aside the questions racing through his head as he sank into the joy of a kiss that truly made him feel alive.

"Do you want this to stop?" John Paul asked breathlessly.

Craig had no strength to answer, instead he shook his head but his deep brown eyes screamed out the words "Don't stop… don't ever stop…"

John Paul's heart was racing as he felt himself becoming submerged in the deep bottomless pools of Craig's eyes, falling into something he would never be able to escape, something he would never try to escape.

Sliding his hands to Craig's waist John Paul skimmed his hands over the man's hips. Their eyes locked as they stared into each other, seeing more than they ever had before.

"Do you want me to stop?" John Paul asked again as his hands ran over Craig's thighs.

"No…" Craig replied in a gasp as a sudden pressure was applied to his crotch.

"What about now?" John Paul said as he started to massage the growing erection straining against Craig's trousers.

"John Paul…" Craig's chest heaved with heavy breaths, as he grew harder with every passing second, John Paul's touch arousing him in a way he never thought it could.

"I've wanted you for so long Craig," John Paul whispered as he slowly lowered Craig's zip, slipping his hand into the forbidden heat of Craig's boxers. "I've dreamed about this… about you… tell me you don't want it and I'll stop…"

"John Paul," Craig's voice shook as much as his body was doing, a trembling that started at his toes and charged over his full length as John Paul's fingers began to touch him. "I don't know… I shouldn't… we shouldn't…" Craig felt torn between what he thought he should want and what his aching flesh was telling him it needed.

"Just say the word and it stops Craig…" John Paul's fingers curled around Craig's now fully erect cock and held it firmly without moving. "One word Craig… yes or no… I have to know… you have to tell me…"

"John Paul I… I think … I want …" Craig's words tripped from his mouth in confusion. John Paul's touch felt too good. He shouldn't be allowing it. He shouldn't want it. But god how he wanted it and the thought of John Paul walking away now was unbearable.

"What do you want Craig?" John Paul asked with his mouth only a fraction of an inch from the delicious lips he was desperate to kiss, "Tell me what you want me to do…"

"I want… I…" Craig struggled to breathe in the depths of John Paul's brilliant blue eyes, "John Paul don't stop… please god don't stop… I want you… this… I want…"

The jumble of Craig's words were swallowed into John Paul's mouth as the man kissed him, his mouth pressing hard against Craig's quivering lips as his hand moved slowly over the length of Craig's cock.

Craig grabbed onto John Paul to stop himself from falling as his legs almost gave out beneath him. John Paul touching him had been an agonizing pleasure, John Paul stroking him was an excruciating joy and he moaned uncontrollably into their deep passionate kiss.

John Paul felt an overpowering rush surging through him. He hadn't expected touching Craig like that to feel so natural, so perfect and to be such an amazing thrill. To feel the man he had been lusting after for so long shaking in his arms with desire made John Paul feel more alive and more aroused that he had ever done in his life.

Craig moaned again as John Paul's tongue plunged deeply into his mouth, exploring his depths with unabashed hunger as his fingers gripped even tighter at the hot throbbing cock in his grip.

Craig didn't remember pulling John Paul's shirt free from his trousers so that he could claw at the bare skin beneath, nor did he remember frantically pulling down John Paul's zip to that he could get access to the hardness hidden inside John Paul's trousers. But he would never forget the look in John Paul's eyes or the soft desperate moan that fell from John Paul's lips as Craig's hand wrapped around his cock, stroking it firmly and with speed.

The quiet classroom was filled with the sounds of heavy breathing and whispered cries of pleasure as the two men stood transfixed by each other eyes, by each others touch, leaning against a door that lead out into a world they had all but forgotten existed.

"Oh my god Craig…" John Paul's free hand gripped onto Craig's shoulder for support as the two men's heads rested together.

Craig had felt uncertain about touching John Paul, but each shudder from the man, each moan of pleasure drove him on, his hand stroking over the length of John Paul's cock, teasing the sensitive head and then running over its length again. He was surprised how easily touching another man had come to him, but then it wasn't just any other man. It was John Paul and he had always been so much more than just another man to Craig, even if he hadn't realised it until their lips met.

"John Paul… John Paul… John…" The mantra of John Paul's name was lost in Craig's throat as a sudden cry of joy rushed from it. Craig's entire body vibrated as an unbelievably powerful climax shook him, pouring from him with uncontrollable desire.

John Paul gasped as the heat covered his hand, knowing that he had made Craig come was the biggest turn on he had ever known and, combined with the continuing pressure from Craig's hand, it was enough to finish him off.

"Craig, Craig… god… yes…" John Paul's cock pulsed heavily as he came, a deep growl of absolute delight rumbling in his throat as he spilled his heat over Craig's powerful grip.

The sounds of the school in the corridor outside slowly began to filter back into the men's ears as the thumping of their hearts slowed and they stepped reluctantly apart.

John Paul couldn't hold back a laugh as he noticed the evidence of their recent activity showing on Craig's trousers and, as he looked down, on his own.

"What's funny?" Craig asked following John Paul's gaze and then noticing the source of the man's amusement, "Shit!"

"Relax," John Paul laughed as he grabbed a few rags from a nearby easel and threw one to Craig.

After cleaning themselves as well as they could the men stood in a frozen moment of time. A moment of make or break and they both knew how much rested on the next few minutes.

"What now?" John Paul asked nervously. He loved Craig, without reservation and without question but what Craig felt, what Craig really wanted remained to be seen.

"I don't know," Craig replied with honesty, "What we just did… how it felt… it was amazing…"

"But?"

"What?"

"It sounded like there was a but next…"

"But," Craig said with a smile, "I don't know John Paul… I really don't know…"

"I love you," John Paul said touching his hand to Craig's face.

"I don't think I know what that means," Craig said quietly. John Paul's eyes were so bright, so perfectly blue that Craig felt lost in them; lost in the deep love he could see shining from them.

Craig's lips touched gently against John Paul's in a kiss filled with hope and fear. "But I think I want to find out…" Craig said, "I think I want you to show me…"

In a school in a small village in Chester two boys had entered an empty classroom to see if they could salvage their friendship.

In a school in a small village in Chester two men left an empty classroom having discovered that their friendship was almost as deep as their love.


End file.
